Honest programmer resume

Section 1. Soft Skills

1. I am silent in meetings. I try to put on an attentive and intelligent face, even if I don't care.
2. People consider me positive and negotiable. I always politely and non-persistently report that the task says to make kaku. And only once. Then I don't argue. And when I finish the task and it turns out to be what it is, I don’t laugh and I don’t say “Yazh spoke!”.
3. I don't care which one to screw up. If the client was interested in my opinion, he would not have hired a project manager, a product owner, a scrum master, an agile master and a UI designer. Let these hipsters form all sorts of opinions, visions and marketing chips.
4. I am disciplined. I come to work at 9 and leave at 6. It's so convenient for me. I can stay for double pay or if the task is interesting.
5. I have a good sense of humor and rich life experience. I can easily disrupt the team for half a day with stories about how my Saturday went. But I rarely do this, because I think that I am not paid for this, but for the fact that I skip some thread of kaku.
6. I turned your team leadership, you know where. I can do some kaku myself, but with a smart look to explain to my subordinates that they should do some kind of kaku beyond my strength.
7. I'm just amazing at presentations. Especially if you need to present an unfinished bottom. I masterfully bypass bugs at the presentation of the program. Once I presented the login window for two hours, because the program did not work further. And the login did not always work.
8. When everything gets to me, I quietly quit, and don’t go around the departments and don’t go gunzhu “Everything is bad, we are at the bottom, everyone is fools.”

Section 2 Hard Skills

1. Inheritance is a blasphemous thing if only 1 child is inherited from the pope.
2. I use encapsulation only when the Idea underlines in yellow and writes, this method can be made private. Same thing with final.
3. I have never used volatile, finalize and many others.
4. I don't care what to use: ArrayList or LinkedList. I always use ArrayList.
5. I can avoid using getters and setters in Java if I know that no one will read my code. person.name = "john". If I know that someone will read it, I am embarrassed.
6. I still do not understand why interfaces are needed in java, with the exception of callback and lambdas. All examples using them are contrived and I can make it easier without them.
7. I don't know how gc works, I've never used it. And in general, in 6 years in my memory, he was mentioned only once. Apart from interviews, of course.
8. I have a turnip on github, but I won't show it to you. She is my personal, and I'm there the skin as I want. You do not go in a tailcoat at home, do you?
9. I can and love to skip the front if I'm tired of the back. Reakt I already forgot and lagged behind. But Sencha seems to remember.

Section 3. Achievements

1. I made 3 sites that were visited by fewer people than did it. When I made 2 sites, I knew that no one would visit them. (It was expected that they would take over the world)
2. I made three web applications (ExtJs-Java-Docker), two of them were never deployed, and one was used twice (it was expected that they would take over the world).

   When I made them, I knew that it would be so, because I do not believe in users who learn by heart a 20-page manual, I myself presented my work with a printed manual in my hands.

3. I made a native android application of 8 screens, in which no one went beyond the second, it was downloaded 107 times in the google market (it was expected to take over the world).
4. Once I was fixing the highest-bug for two days, and then I realized that no one had visited this section of the site for about three years. And it was a very healthy section of the site, which spent a lot of man-hours.
5. I spent about a week to ensure that the combobox did not leave from above, but to the right.
6. I supervised 4 people and we did one project for six months, which I alone could do in a week. And yes, this is the project from point 2.
7. I set up query caching in Mongu on an application that has one person a day.
8. I made a corporate email client, despite the fact that there are hundreds of free ones and all were better.
9. I did pixel idealization (or what is it called?) on the front.
10. I was redesigning the Material UI library for React because our freelance UI designer from Kurgan decided he was better at design than Matthias Duarte, Google's VP of Design, BSc Computer Science from the University of Maryland, with an additional . education in art and art history, director of the Student Art Gallery in Maryland.

    I never understood why you should remake good things that smart people made for you and gave away for free, especially if you are obviously dumber.

11. For a month I made a feature that, with the most optimistic calculations, would have fought back for 437 years. (ordering mops for a cleaner) in ERP.
12. I redid one kaku from scratch 7 times, because the TK changed. As a result, she became worse than she was.
13. For 4 hours I figured out why the penny in the bill was incorrectly rounded, moreover, I knew in advance that I would not be able to fix it, otherwise the balance would not converge later.
14. I made a microservice to increase the reliability of the main business logic, and yes, this microservice crashed 20 times more often than the business logic.

    But then they made a whole department of 12 people there to increase the reliability of this reliability microservice, and now the microservice crashes 20 times more often, makes half transactions and loses data without a trace. When I left, they decided to make a reliability microservice for a reliability microservice.

Source: habr.com