Hello, dear. I have bad news. Unfortunately, I've been fired again. I know youāll scold me ā youāll say that it wasn't me who got fired, but that Iām just a pathetic, hopeless jerk, but this time it's not about me.
Itās all the fault of . Itās all because of him. Iāll tell you everything now.
The first point of the plan you made worked perfectly. When I said I came from Moscow, no one checked my registration ā they took my word for it. And it worked.
Of course, they asked a couple of questions about my work history ā like, why there wasnāt a single Moscow company, but I managed to dodge it ā I said that Iām usually sent to save assets in remote areas where my expertise is needed.
I told them the details of the projects and the results achieved ā well, those that you had me memorize. I even managed to answer their questions. Overall, I made quite an impression.
I canāt stop being amazed by your foresight ā you gave me the most valuable advice of my life. Remember when I first worked, servicing three computers, a modem, and a content management system for a website, and they didnāt want to officially hire me for a long time? When they finally agreed, you said ā let them list me as a āprogrammer engineerā. The accountant didnāt care, she wrote it down just like that, and since then, in every opportunity, I confidently claim that Iām a former programmer.
This has a magical effect on current programmers. Considering that Iām older than most of them, in their impressionable minds, Iām sure they picture something like this: a young, enthusiastic guy in a dirty t-shirt, sitting in the corner of the server room, coding something in FoxPro, Delphi, or BASIC. Well, I think thatās exactly how they see me.
At the first team meeting, I, as expected, said that the most important thing is the result. I always say that. Yes, I remember you said that itās a meaningless, clichĆ©d, hackneyed stereotype that doesnāt impress anyone anymore, but I canāt think of anything else to say. I donāt talk about their, programmer-related topics, because I will be caught out on the first word. So, catch me if you can. Yes, Iām just saying ordinary managerial nonsense. But thereās nothing to pick apart.
I pushed them forward as expected, along with the business tasks. I know you might be surprised by that word ā I came up with it myself. Everyone says 'business tasks' or 'business-related tasks,' but I don't want to be like everyone else. Let me have my own twist. Every great manager should have their own unique touch, a special style, an unmistakable handwriting. My forte is business tasks.
Well, there is a more down-to-earth explanation. I've been trying to work as a head of programmers for a long time, andā¦ well, yes, not really working but trying to work. Iām doing side jobs. Iām trying to make extra money. You canāt fool me ā I havenāt held a job for more than six months anywhere. Only the constant change of cities for work saves me ā they donāt have time to remember me.
Honestly, I don't know how you're managing without me ā Iām only home a couple of times a year. Sometimes, strange thoughts creep in ā like, she came up with the planā¦ and keeps it goingā¦ living completely without meā¦ young, successful, a manager at one of the most well-known IT companies in Russiaā¦ And can't even get me hired as a technicianā¦ Sending me off to some out-of-the-way placesā¦ That's it! Away with those silly thoughts! I know, dear, that you love me and wish me nothing but the best! I will definitely make it so you can be proud of me, and we will be together again!
I got distracted. So, I've been leading programmers at factories for quite some time. Every factory has business tasks ā they are constantly discussed in the meetings I attend. Purchasing new equipment, finding qualified design engineers, optimizing costs, import substitution, developing new products, entering the international market. These are business tasks even I can understand. But none of them will ever be assigned to the IT department. At most, they will involve us in connecting the computer to the machine.
The IT department of the factory has one task ā to ensure everything works. If something fails, the programmers get grilled ā either by the users or by me. If itās down for too long, or if the failure affects the factoryās operation ā they grill me. And I donāt like being grilled, especially in public, at a managersā meeting. Itās the worst thing that can happen. Especially when they force me to explain the reasons for the failures ā what can I say? At most ā 'the guilty will be found and punished, we will work on measures to prevent this from happening, there are many technical details that you wonāt understand.' And if they insist on details, I say itās due to the dichotomous majorization of the matrix.
So, hereās the business task ā thatās the one I can get grilled for. Thatās why I tell the programmers from day one that business tasks are the most important. Drop everything and focus on this. Let others solve the business tasks; weāll never be assigned those.
Unfortunately, my first contact with that damn programmer didnāt go well. I asked him what task he was solving ā thinking he would just explain, and I would nod along. No, that bastard opened the source code, and I had to stare at it. I asked about the deadline ā he seemed to mention two months. I hesitated a bit, recalling how you recommended working with deadlines. I remembered the method of bisection ā you know, when the deadline is just divided in half, so I applied it.
At first, I almost applied the Pi method ā you know, when the deadline is multiplied by 3.14. Thank the gods I remembered ā thatās for higher-ups when they assign tasks. For subordinates, itās bisection. It seems that this time I didnāt mix them up.
The next day, a real business task came flying in ā accounting yelled at me in front of the director. They said we were missing the deadline for report submission because the programmer wasnāt helping. Foolishly, I tried to argue ā saying, what are you talking about, what report can there be for August? Itās submitted quarterly. Thatās when I learned that there are major taxpayers, such as that factory, and they submit reports monthly. I managed to wriggle out of it ā saying I didnāt know you were major players, good thing you told me. But I really didnāt like the smirk on the chief accountantās face.
I left the meeting and went to the restroom. Events like this act on me like a laxative. I was a step away from failure! I lingered there for about fifteen minutes until I pulled myself together and rushed to the programmer. And that brat just sits there, smirkingālike, why are you running around like a puppy at the first nudge from accounting? I havenāt reacted to this kind of thing in a whileāI know that programmers don't respect those who bow down to users. Honestly, I donāt care. My salary is twice as high, and you just sit there, all proud. But Iām the boss, and youāre the subordinate. Get a move on and do it. And donāt forget to report back.
Unfortunately, this incident immediately tarnished my reputation among the managers. If they used to hardly approach meāprobably wanting to observe meānow, letās say, they have taken notice. Complaints have appeared, some old tasks have resurfaced that this damn programmer hasnāt been able to complete for months or even years. As you taught me, I honestly noted everything in the red notebook I keep for urgent issues. I also explained to everyone that this task would definitely be resolved now because Iāve taken it under control.
The nasty part is that the attitude of the director has changed. The item on your roadmap called 'First Alarm' came much sooner than expected. The director called me and said he was already worriedāI had promised during the interview that I would launch new projects, deliver results, and prove myself. According to the plan, I said that my first project would be the task management system.
By the way, thanks for coming to the rescue. I accidentally dropped the flash drive with the distribution of this system in the toiletāIām really glad you sent a copy. I struggled for several days, but managed to deploy the system on one of the serversāthe only one running Windows, which was used for access control, itās pretty old, but it seemed to work.
In general, itās just as you said: 'I started implementing the task management system ā six months free.' Well, not everything, of courseā¦ They usually turn this system off after a month. Maybe you could talk to the programmer who developed it so he could modify the system somehow? It really is monstrous. Filling out twenty fields just to set a task is a bit excessive for the users of the factory's information system.
Unfortunately, no one started entering tasks into my system. I kept saying what you taught me ā that "transparency is the basis of order," and "if a task isn't written down, it won't be solved," and "no task means no solution." But since I was already being taken a bit lightly, no one listened.
During the next meeting with the director, I got a scolding. I tried to defend myself ā saying that I wasn't to blame, the system is ready, but the company isn't. I have no authority over employees from other departments. I tried to hint that he lacks authority too since everyone decides for themselves whether to use the system or not. I shouldn't have done that, of course.
He immediately got agitated, and for the first time in our conversation, he used profanity. At first, it was every ten words, then every five (is that also a method of binary division?), and then it became a continuous stream. The essence is this: authority can't be given, it can only be taken. And also: a manager is someone who achieves results. I usually say the same thing, but here I somehow understood what he meant.
But it's absolutely unclear how to achieve that damn result. Maybe you can explain it to me? How to make users of the system, who don't report to me, enter tasks into my program? Please, don't start with all that soft skills, cross-communication, leadership, and opinion centers stuff. What needs to be done?
I couldn't think of anything better than forcing the programmer to enter all tasks into the system. All tasks received through any channels ā email, verbally, etc. He reluctantly grumbled a bit, but started entering the tasks. However, I don't know how it happened, but tasks were being logged without filling out all twenty fields. Did he hack it or something?
I decided to build on my success. I made him fill out all the fields ā analytics, utility classifiers, etc. But I got an unexpected effect ā I was yelled at for the programmer stopping all work. Naturally, I went to him ā that scoundrel was sitting there, smiling, saying that all his working time was spent filling out fields in my system. There was no time to argue or convince ā I simply denied him his bonus for the month, and I sat down to fill out the analytics myself.
Unfortunately, I didn't understand most of the tasks, so I filled in the analysis just to achieve my goal ā to show a positive outcome. Well, as you taught me. All tasks turned out to be useful for the business. All tasks were low-cost. All tasks generated direct income for the business. It was like not an IT department, but some sort of business unit.
For the strategic session, I prepared a presentation. Itās great that I have an anonymized template ā I just need to insert the plant's logo, update the numbers in the Excel file, and all the graphs in the presentation become relevant, while the reasons and conclusions remain the same ā well, that I am incredibly good and effective.
But then something irreparable happened. I was so excited about the upcoming success that I decided to celebrate it at a local restaurant. It didnāt go very well ā I got drunk, ended up in a fight, and even got food poisoning. I had to send a programmer in my place. I sent him the presentation, said that I had flown off to a urgent conference to give a report, and went on to hug my white friend.
The next day, people in the office were looking at me strangely. At first, I thought it was because of my paleness ā the aftereffects of the poisoning still lingered. I covered the bruise with concealer, although it might have been noticeable, so they were smirking or looking away?
But it turned out to be more mundane. That bastard programmer opened my presentation and adjusted the numbers. He included my salary in the cost column for solving tasks. I tried not to put too much emphasis on profit, so I laid out a not very high profitability, but tripling the expense part immediately turned our so-called "profit" into a loss. Later, I watched the video recording of the strategic session, and I had to excuse myself home for half a day ā I had never felt such shame before. They laughed out loud. And that jerk ā right along with them.
And imagine ā after that, he showed up and asked for a raise! What kind of audacity does it take to do that! Itās not even about the fact that I have no idea how to increase his salary ā it's just how brazen he is! I, of course, sent him off. Well, not directly, but as you taught me ā like, wrong timing, you havenāt shown results yet, and so on.
So this jerk went to the director and asked for a raise! And he got a twenty percent increase! He schemed everything out purposely ā first he came to me, and then ā to the director. So I would get the impression of who's who around here. And when I asked how the whole raise process works here at the plant ā who to talk to, how to present it, when's the best time ā he said he wouldn't share any information with me. Like, I didn't help him, so he wouldn't help me.
Then he outright told me to go to hell. Right to my face. Luckily, no one else was around. After the raise, he became really weird ā sitting there, doing something, trying hard, working his ass off. I decided to take advantage of it and brought him a task ā the sales team had been asking for it for a while. That's when he told me to take a hike. He said the director now gives him tasks directly. I'm no longer in charge of him. I mumbled something like, "Well, you decided that for yourself" ā and went back on sick leave.
It was already clear that I wouldn't last long here. But while the formal authority remains, I decided to get back at this scum. I went to the director's meeting, and we discussed all the failed projects for a long time. Well, I tried to justify myself without going into project details (since I knew nothing about them), while he looked at his smartphone and nodded occasionally.
Finally, I said that I recently found the root cause according to Goldratt's theory ā it's our programmer. I said let's fire him, and everything will be fixed right away. He looked up from his smartphone, glanced into my eyes, and calmly said: you're fired.
The ending is quite predictable, really. Itās just that for the first time, I was fired because of a programmer. By the way, I went to see him afterward ā I said, do you know why I was fired? He replies ā no, I don't know. He didn't get that the question had a twist. That he was to blame for my firing. That I have to go god knows where, looking for factories, renting a room in a communal house, brewing myself a hobo package, and thinking about you, dear.
Two days later
, I forwarded what you wrote to the programmer. I didn't quite understand why you wrote it and why ā in my name, but whatever. And why you included the contact details of the company you work at and your mobile number. But you know better, dear.
Source: habr.com
