Hello dear. I have a bad news. Unfortunately, I got fired again. I know you will swear - you will say that it was not me who was fired, but I myself - a miserable and hopeless asshole, but this time it's not about me.
Blame it all . All because of him. Now I will tell you everything.
The first point of your plan worked out perfectly. When I said that I came from Moscow, no one began to check the registration - they took my word for it. And it worked.
Of course, they asked a couple of questions at the places of work - they say, why is there not a single Moscow company there, but I got out - I said that, as the most effective, I was usually sent to save assets in the outback, where my competencies are not enough.
I told them the details of the projects and the results achieved - well, the ones you let me memorize. He even answered questions. In general, the impression made hoo.
I never cease to be amazed at your foresight - after all, it was you who gave me the most valuable advice in my entire life. Remember, at my first job, where I serviced three computers, a modem and a site content manager, they didn’t want to officially employ me for a long time? And when they finally agreed, you said - let them write down the position of “software engineer”. The accountant didn’t care, she wrote that, and since then I have always, at every opportunity, boldly assert that I am a former programmer.
For current programmers, this has a magical effect. Considering that I am older than most of them, the following picture probably arises in their fragile minds: young, enthusiastic, in a dirty T-shirt, in the corner of the server room, our boss is sitting and hacking something on Foxpro, Delphi or BASIC. Well, I think that's what they think.
At the first meeting of the team, I, as expected, said that the most important thing is the result. I always say so. Yes, I remember you saying that this is a meaningless, washed out, hackneyed stereotype that hasn't impressed anyone for a long time, but I can't think of anything else to say. I don’t talk about them, programming topics, because I will be caught at the very first word. So, catch me if you can. Yes, I carry the usual managerial garbage. But nothing to get to.
Pushed them, as expected, and about business tasks. I know you will be surprised by this word - I invented it myself. Everyone says “business tasks”, or “business tasks”, but I don’t want to be like everyone else. Let me have my own twist. Each cool manager should have his own zest, special style, unique handwriting. My forte is business tasks.
Well, there is a more prosaic explanation. I have been working as a head of programmers for a long time, and… Well, yes, I don’t work, but I try to work. I work part-time. I'm trying to work. After all, you can’t deceive me - longer than six months, I didn’t last anywhere. Only the constant change of city for work saves me - they don’t have time to remember me.
I don’t know, really, how you are there without me - after all, I am at home a couple of times a year. Sometimes, of course, strange thoughts creep in - they say, it was she who came up with the plan ... And she supports it ... She lives without me at all ... Young, successful, manager in the most famous IT company in Russia ... But she can’t even arrange me as a technician ... villages ... So, that's it! Shoo-shoo, stupid thoughts! I know, dear, that you love me and wish me only the best! I will definitely make you proud of me, and we will be together again!
I got distracted. So, I have been managing programmers at factories for a long time. All factories have business tasks - they are constantly discussed at meetings where I am present. Purchase of new equipment, search for qualified design engineers, cost optimization, import substitution, development of new products, entry into the international market. These are business tasks that are understandable even to me. But none of them will ever be assigned to the IT department. Maximum - will attract to connect the company to the machine.
The IT department of the plant has one task - to make everything work. If something doesn't work, the programmers get screwed - either by the users or by me. If it doesn’t work for a long time, or if a joint affects the work of the plant, they bang me. And I don't like it when they bang me, especially in public, at a general meeting of managers. This is the worst thing that can happen. Especially when they are forced to explain the reasons for failures - what will I tell them? The maximum - "the guilty will be found and punished, we will work out measures to prevent this, there are many technical details that you will not understand." And if they still climb into the details, then I say that the matter is in the dichotomous majorization of the matrix.
So, the business task is the one for which I can be screwed. That's why I tell programmers from day one that business tasks are the most important. Drop everything and do it. And let others solve business tasks, we will never be entrusted with such tasks.
The first contact with this damn programmer, alas, was unsuccessful. I asked what problem he was solving - I thought he would just tell, and I nod my head. No, this bastard opened the source code and I had to stare at it. I asked about the term - he, like, named two months. I slowed down a little, remembering how you recommended working with deadlines. I remembered the method of half division - well, when the term is stupidly divided in half, I applied it.
At first, I almost applied the Pi method - well, when the term is multiplied by the number 3.14. Thank the gods, I remembered - this is the method for superiors when you are given a task. And for subordinates - a half division. Looks like I didn't mix them up the first time.
The next day, a real business task arrived - the accounting department yelled at me in the presence of the director. They said that we miss the deadline for reporting, because the programmer does not help. I, out of stupidity, tried to argue with them - they say, why are you treating me, what reporting can be for August? She rents quarterly. Then I learned that there are especially large taxpayers in the world, which is that plant, and they submit reports on a monthly basis. I got out, of course - they say, I didn’t know that you were especially large, it’s good that you said. But I didn’t like the smirk on the face of the head accountant bitch.
I left the meeting and went to the toilet. Such events as a laxative affect me. I was one step away from failure! I stayed there for fifteen minutes until I came to my senses - and ran to the programmer. And this freak is sitting, grinning - they say, why are you, like a puppy, running around on the first kick from the accounting department? I haven’t reacted to this for a long time - I know that programmers do not respect those who lie down under users. Yes, and shit, to be honest. My salary is twice as high, and you sit here, so proud. But I am the boss, and you are the subordinate. Hand in hand and do it. And don't forget to report.
Unfortunately, this case immediately tarnished my reputation among managers. If earlier they almost didn’t turn to me - they probably wanted to take a closer look, but now, as they say, they have already taken a closer look. Claims have appeared, some old tasks have come out that this fucking programmer cannot do for several months or years. I, as you taught, honestly wrote everything down in a red notebook, which is for urgent questions. Well, I explained to everyone that now this task will be definitely solved, because I took it under control.
The disgusting thing is that the attitude of the director has also changed. The point on your roadmap called “First Call” came much ahead of schedule. The director called me and said that he was already worried - after all, at the interview I promised that I would launch new projects, give results, show myself. I, according to the plan, said that my first project was a task management system.
By the way, thanks for helping out. I accidentally drowned the flash drive with the distribution kit of this system in the toilet - it's good that you sent a copy. I fumbled for a few days, but managed to deploy the system on one of the servers - the only one under Windows, used for an access control system, an old one, but sort of pulled it out.
In general, everything is as you said: "began to implement a task management system - half a year is free." Well, not everything, of course ... I usually turn off this system after a month. Maybe you can talk to the programmer who made it so that he can somehow modify the system? Well, it hurts, she's monstrous. Filling in twenty fields to set a task is too much for users of the plant information system?
Unfortunately, no one began to enter tasks into my system. I kept saying, as you taught - and “transparency is the basis of order”, and “if the task is not written down, then it will not be solved”, and “no task - no solution”. But, because I was not treated very seriously, no one listened.
At the next meeting with the director, he received a thrashing. I tried to justify myself - they say, it's not my fault, the system is ready, but the enterprise is not. I have no authority over the employees of other departments. He tried to hint that he had no power either, since everyone decides for himself whether to use the system or not. In vain, of course, I did it.
He somehow immediately got angry, and for the first time in a conversation with me he used a mat. First, after ten words, I inserted it, then after five (also the half division method?), Then a continuous stream began. The bottom line is this: power cannot be given, it can only be taken. And one more thing: the manager is the one who achieves the result. I, like, usually say the same thing, but then somehow I seem to understand what he meant.
It's just not clear how this fucking result can be achieved. Maybe you can explain to me? How can I force system users who do not report to me to enter tasks into my program? Just don’t start, please, about all sorts of soft skills, cross-communications, leadership and opinion centers. Do what needs to be done?
I have not come up with anything better than to force the programmer to enter all the tasks into the system. Everything that comes to him through any channels - mail, orally, etc. He, half-heartedly, hesitated a little, but he began to submit tasks. True, I don’t know how it happened, but his tasks were recorded without filling in all twenty fields. Hacked, right?
I decided to develop success. I made him fill in all the fields - analytics, utility classifiers, etc. But I got an unexpected effect - I was screwed over because the programmer stopped doing anything at all. Naturally, I go to him - this nit sits, smiles, and says that all the working time is spent on filling in the fields in my system. There was no time to argue and convince - I simply deprived him of the bonus for the month, and sat down to fill out the analytics myself.
Unfortunately, I did not understand most of the tasks, so I filled out the analytics in exactly the right way to achieve my goal - to show a plus. Well, as you taught. All the tasks proved to be beneficial for the business. All tasks turned out to be inexpensive in terms of costs. All tasks brought direct income to the business. It’s not just an IT department, but some kind of business unit.
I prepared a presentation for the strategy session. It's good that I have an impersonal template - just insert the factory logo, updated numbers in the Excel file, all the graphics in the presentation become relevant, and the reasons and conclusions are the same - well, I'm insanely good and efficient.
But then the unthinkable happened. I was so excited about the upcoming success that I decided to celebrate it at a local restaurant. It didn’t go very well - I got drunk, got it in a pill, and even got addicted. I had to send a programmer instead. I sent him a presentation, said that he himself flew to an urgent conference to read a report, and went on to cuddle with a white friend.
The next day in the office, they looked at me strangely. At first I thought that it was because of my pallor - the consequences of the poisoning still persisted. I smeared the bruise with foundation, although maybe it was noticeable, so they grinned or averted their eyes?
But everything turned out to be more prosaic. This bitch programmer opened my presentation and adjusted the numbers. He entered my salary into the cost columns for solving problems. I tried not to be too hard, so I laid down a not very high profitability, but a threefold increase in the expenditure side immediately reduced all our “like profit” to a minus. I then watched the videotape from the strategy session and had to go home for half a day - I have never felt such shame. They laughed out loud. And this condom is with them.
And you imagine - after that he pinned down and asked for an increase in salary! What audacity you have to have to do that! It's not even that I have no idea how to raise his salary - just what a brazen creature! I sent it, of course. Well, not directly, but as you taught - they say, it’s not the right time, you haven’t shown results yet, etc.
So this freak himself went to the director and asked to raise his salary! And got a raise of twenty! After all, he, the bastard, deliberately set everything up just like that - first he came to me, and then to the director. So that I, sort of like, understand who is worth what here. And when I asked how here, at the plant, in general, the whole topic of raising salaries is arranged - well, with whom to talk, how to present it, at what moment is it better - he said that he wouldn’t share any information with me. Like, I didn't help him, and he won't help me.
And then he stupidly sent me to dick. Right in the face. Good thing no one was around. After the salary increase, he became generally strange - he sits, does something, tries, tears his ass. I decided to take advantage, and brought him a task - salespeople have long asked to do it. That's where he sent me. He says that now the director directly sets the tasks for him. And I no longer order him. Well, I mumbled something, like “well, look, you yourself decided so” - and again on sick leave.
Now it was clear that I would not last long here. But as long as formal power remains, I decided to take revenge on this nit. I went to the director for a meeting, and we discussed all the failed projects for a long time. Well, as discussed - I tried to somehow justify myself, without going into the details of the projects (because I don’t know them), and he looked at his smartphone and sometimes nodded his head.
Finally, I said that I recently found the root problem, according to Goldratt's theory - this is our programmer. Let's, I say, fire him, and everything will work out right away. Then he looked up from his smartphone, looked into my eyes and calmly said: you're fired.
The ending is natural, in general. Just the first time I was fired because of a programmer. By the way, I went to see him later - I say, do you know why I was fired? He replies, no, I don't know. I didn’t understand, you bastard, that the question was a trick. That he is to blame for my dismissal. That I should again go to hell in the middle of nowhere, look for factories, rent a room in a communal apartment, brew a homeless package for myself and think about you, dear.
After two days
, compiled by you, I sent to the programmer. I didn’t understand, however, why you wrote it, and why - on my behalf, but oh well. And why did you indicate the contacts of the company you work for and your mobile phone. But you know better, dear.
Source: habr.com