[Essay] Dedicated to office plankton. I am not inspired by my work

When I first heard the term “office plankton”, something in the depths of me was very offended. And why do we call ourselves so dismissively and derogatoryly? Is it because we're not going anywhere? Huge masses of water seethe and collide, waves crash on the shore, and plankton lies on its surface and photosynthesizes. And the one that is not capable of photosynthesizing eats its green counterparts. Or have we earned this title by the fact that we form a mass, but not a force? We just go where it takes us.

Be that as it may, the melancholy has completely seized me - even the new coffee machine in the office does not please me. I sit, I stare at the screen, and there is only lunch in the yard.

My boss is a bloodsucker. Any of my initiative is harassed in the bud. There were, I remember, times when I wanted to express my thought and offer a deeper study of the issue raised, but those bright flowers in my heart withered long ago. Today's project discussions go through yawning tears for me. My soul, go, asks for freedom. Is there something to become an entrepreneur? Only in that business world, all the risks and the fire of working seven days a week must be taken on. It's amazing how those guys have time to sleep, and how they don't go gray prematurely. So I would sit in my warm place and rejoice, but no - depression drives me into a bottle.

They say that even monkeys get indigestion from boring work. Could this be the real reason for my suffering? You can’t call my days fun: email, calls, requests, negotiations. Obsessively tormented by the feeling that he was busy all day, and zero productivity. And now it is already difficult to separate Monday from Tuesday, Tuesday from Thursday in memory. Feeling that I am not living my life or not living at all. I would like to fly as a free bird to exotic islands. There would be money for a bungalow with an ocean view. Sit under the hat of the bar, sip mojitos and watch the sunset. After all, for this we all strive to earn a bag of money, right? And the fact that such a life will get fed up in a week, and in a month will lead to degradation and decomposition of the remnants of the soul, does not bother anyone. That which does not carry meaning in itself, does not touch the strings of the heart, is boring.

A colleague once said to me, “This is just a job.” We've all heard this over and over. Don't take your successes and failures to heart. It's just a job, life is full of more important things. And my favorite: “Before death, no one regrets that they spent too little time at work.” That is, I need to close my soul and become an insensitive shell for 40 hours a week. Then my self-loathing becomes understandable. I voluntarily renounce my aspirations and ideals, I replace the truth with what they want to hear from me, the quality of my work loses all meaning for me. But I am protected by my spinelessness and desire to please everyone.

Let me share a piece of my personal story. Avoiding conflict has never worked for me. Because of this, I was often fired with a bang, and, probably, they were right. Who wants people rocking the boat as a team? I need to learn to listen more and talk less. On the other hand, would you like a doctor who agrees with everyone in everything? Or would you prefer someone eager to get to the bottom of the truth? Here I am about the same. I don’t understand when the desire to do your job well has been devalued so much. It is impossible to live life without stepping on someone's sore little finger - conflicts are inevitable. And, due to their weakness, someone from your environment will try to get rid of you in retaliation for the inconvenience caused. And what?

However, you can also live on plankton: swim, closing your eyes, with the flow, open your mouth while feeding. Good, secure life. One unicellular, in any case, the course of history will not change. One person who decides to speak the truth cannot reach millions. And so be it. But I am tormented by the realization that if it is necessary not to live in order to live sometime later, then why?

Work is not inspiring when you do not strive to do it well.

Source: habr.com