1.
The day is drawing to a close. I need to refactor the legacy code, by all means. But he rests: unit tests do not turn green in any way.
I get up to make a cup of coffee and focus again.
A phone call distracts me. This is Marina.
“Hi, Marin,” I say, pleased to be idle for a couple more minutes.
- What are you doing, Petya? Her voice promises.
- Working.
Well, yes, I work. What else can I do?!
“Do you want to invite me somewhere?”
Tempting, even very tempting. But damn it, I need to finish off the unit tests!
- I want but I can not. Release on Monday.
- Then come to me.
Flirting or really bored?
“Marin, come on Tuesday,” I answer with a sigh. - On Tuesday - swept up.
“Then I’ll come to you,” Marina offers. - Overnight. The mood is romantic. Will you let me in?
So, I'm bored.
Before the complete victory over unit tests, there is very little left. By the time she arrives, I'll finish it. And you can relax.
- Isn't it dangerous? I'm worried about her young life.
“You can’t sit within four walls all eternity?! - Marina is indignant at the other end of the call.
And that is true.
- Well, come, if not dumb. Did you look at the situation in Yandex?
- Looked, looked. Skirmishes are only 4 points.
- Fine. At night, I still can’t code, I’ve worked out enough. Do you remember the address?
- I remember.
- I am waiting.
“I’m already on my way,” Marina says and hangs up.
How long does she have to go? Not less than an hour. During this time, I can do it. I even have a little time to spare, so I decide to prepare for the meeting.
I leave the computer and lay a clean tablecloth on the dining table. After thinking, I put out a bottle of champagne from the refrigerator, I take out two glasses from the sideboard. The preparations for the meeting are over, I'm going back to work.
2.
From the unit tests, which continue to blush brazenly, I am distracted by the ringing at the door. I'm at a loss. Did Marina call from the subway? Here's the damn thing!
However, instead of Marina, the camera shows two male figures in uniform - you can't see which one. I'm discouraged.
The intercom is connected to the system. I press the activation button and say the most trivial thing in the world into the microphone:
- Who is there?
“Bailiffs,” comes through the speakers. - Open the door. We must serve you a notice.
Yep, open the door! Found a fool.
- Throw it in the mailbox downstairs.
- The notice is given against signature.
- Go without painting.
From behind the door, without any pause, they minted in a commanding voice:
- Open immediately.
“Now, run away,” I answer with a flare of anger. – Let strangers into your apartment?! Are you guys swollen?
“Open up or we'll break down the door.
Will the truth be broken? The roulette of death, spinning a little, has chosen me? How suddenly everything breaks.
Without a fight, I will not give up, of course - not that education. Let's see who will release the guts to whom first.
I rush to a metal cabinet, unlock it, grab a shotgun with a box of ammo, hastily load it. I take a “knee rest” position in front of the door and get ready to shoot.
Everything happens as if not with me, but with another. But there is no choice.
- Break! - I shout towards the microphone as hard as possible. - I promise everyone who crosses the threshold, a lead mustard plaster in the nostril.
There is a slight crackle in the speakers.
If you don't open the door, I'll call SWAT.
That is, the desire to break open the door is gone ?! That's what I thought - scam! Banal wiring, and so scare me! As I didn’t realize right away, they didn’t even give my name.
“Call me, nit,” I answer, almost calming down.
There is silence behind the door. Five minutes later it becomes obvious that the uninvited guests have left.
I am on the floor in a kneeling position, leaning back against the wall and breathing heavily. I wipe the sweat off my forehead and get to my feet. I put the shotgun on the computer table, next to the mouse.
Then I kneel down and, clutching the back of my desk chair with my hands, I begin to pray.
– Oh, Lord, save me! I appeal to you, the Creator of Creators, the Creator of Creators. May all troubles and misfortunes pass me by. Give me strength and firmness. Understand me, Lord. Understand me, Lord. Enlighten me.
No matter what they say, prayer helps. She gives hope for the future.
My fingers tremble slightly from the excitement, but I sit down at the computer and try to focus on the refactoring. I have to finish the work before Marina arrives.
3.
Almost immediately, another phone call distracts me. The number is unfamiliar. It may be a new customer, it may be a harmless spammer, or it may be a seasoned breeder. Who knows?
“Speak,” I say into the phone.
Female voice.
Hello, this is your mobile operator. Would you like to switch to a cheaper Family Plus tariff?
- I don't want to.
- This tariff is 20 rubles cheaper than the one you are currently using.
"Then what's the deal?" I wonder.
“The Family Plus tariff is 20 rubles cheaper,” the woman repeats.
- I asked what the wiring is.
– We call all customers and offer them a cheaper rate.
Yeah, keep your pocket wider!
I'm starting to get a little annoyed.
- How nice! Take care of your clients! Can't you just lower the price of the old tariff? The clients won't mind.
- So you do not want to switch to the new Family Plus tariff? the woman clarifies.
How smart!
- I do not want.
- Okay, you still have the same rate.
Retreat horns.
4.
For the umpteenth time in the evening I sit down at the computer and try to concentrate. But today is not destined, as you can see ...
Another call, and again from an unknown number.
- Speak.
This time the voice is male.
– Hello, can I talk to Peter Nikolaevich?
Knows my first name. Is it a customer? It would be nice.
- I'm listening.
- It is from the security service of Sberbank that they are disturbing. An attempt of unauthorized entry into your personal account has been detected. Have you lost your card? Check, please.
- A minute.
I go to the hanger, pull out a purse from my jacket pocket, look inside. All this takes no more than 15 seconds.
- I have the card.
- Did you pass it on to anyone? the voice expresses concern.
Or just trying to express?
- No one.
So it's unauthorized entry. In such cases, it is supposed to block the account for two weeks. You will not be able to use your account for two weeks. But if you want, I can set up two-factor authentication. In this case, everything will work tomorrow.
“Set it up,” I say.
- Say your card number and password, which will come via SMS. I have to log in to your personal account in order to set up two-factor authentication.
Yes, yes, a Sberbank employee calls a client to enter his personal account. Everything becomes clear as day.
“Are you sure it’s two-factor?” I'm starting to fool around.
- It's more reliable.
There is impatience in the voice.
What is your name, security specialist? I ask innocently.
- Yuri.
“Go to hell, Yura,” I suggest with all possible persuasiveness. - Do you, scammers, have an active period today, or what? It would be my will, I put a lead mustard plaster in each nostril. I would kill everyone.
5.
I hide my iPhone in my pocket. I pace around the room for a while, trying to tune in to unit tests. With a decisive step I go to the computer, but the doorbell knocks me down.
Are the fake bailiffs back?
I jump up to the table, turn on the intercom, grab a loaded shotgun, and assume the kneeling position.
“I told you not to come here again. I will kill! I yell at the microphone as loudly as possible.
Then I guess to look into the camera. These are not bailiffs: under the door is an unfamiliar man in civilian clothes.
“You called me,” the man explains.
“I didn’t call anyone,” I answer, not knowing whether to breathe a sigh of relief or prepare for new trials.
“I am the Lord,” they say on the other side of the door.
- Who??? I wonder.
- Lord.
- Wow, this has never happened before!
I am amazed at the originality of the wiring: the peasant has what he needs.
You asked for understanding. This needs to be discussed in person. Will you let me in?
Reasoning? Did he mention enlightenment? Well, yes, I asked the Lord to enlighten me ...
I'm trying to figure out how likely it is that:
1) a person prays,
2) at the same time asks for understanding.
Let's say half of them are praying. How many praying asks to enlighten them? Usually they ask for salvation, health, happiness ... but admonition? Let's say 10%. We get 5% hits. A lot, but not a lot at the same time. Why did the peasant focus on admonishment when there is salvation? Then the percentage would have turned out to be under fifty - all those who are praying. Everyone asks for salvation: I asked too.
Letting a stranger into your apartment?! Are you laughing? I'm not so confident anymore.
“I am the Lord,” they remind outside the door.
- And I'm Ivan Susanin.
“I have come to enlighten you. Did you ask for enlightenment?
I'm starting to doubt. Yes, it sounds silly, but I'm really starting to have my doubts.
For a while, I frantically figure out what to do. It suddenly dawns on me.
“If you are the Lord, go through the locked door.
But I'm in human form! – is heard in the speakers.
“Get out of here, innovator,” I laugh merrily, returning the shotgun to the table. “I don’t buy cheap wiring.
6.
I sit down at the computer and work. I have very little time left - I need to figure out the unit tests. Marina will come soon, and coding during a love date is not comme il faut. Although in one of the commercials I saw a guy having sex and programming at the same time.
Suddenly, a police siren is heard outside the window, then a metallic voice amplified by a horn:
Attention, counter-terrorist operation! SWAT is on the job! Residents of the building are requested not to leave their apartments temporarily. And you, terrorist bastard, come out with your hands up! I give you 30 seconds to think.
- Damn it!
I understand that I'm in trouble. There will be no release, no date with the woman you love - nothing. First there will be a shootout, then they will break into the apartment and drag my riddled corpse out into the street. Or maybe not dragged out, but left here - what's the difference?
I roll out of my chair, shotgun in hand. I look out the window, through the gap between the curtains. So it is: the entrance is cordoned off, machine gunners dressed in armored suits are around. In the depths of the yard, a tank is visible, pointing its muzzle in my direction. The tank tore the turf…or was the turf torn before? I do not remember.
I do not care anymore. With dancing hands, I tilt the desk chair to the side, which is much more comfortable than the kneeling position. It’s reluctant to shoot from the window - let them break the door. So I can last longer.
From the street is heard a menacing:
- 30 seconds for reflection has expired. We are starting a counter-terrorist operation.
Powerful blows are heard - this is breaking out a metal door.
It's time to pray. It's convenient that I'm already on my knees - no need to lower myself.
- Lord, save me! I earnestly pray. – Save me, Creator of Creators, Creator of Creators. Please save me And understand.
Powerful blows continue. Plaster is falling from the ceiling, the chandelier is swinging. Through the noise I hear a phone call.
“Yes,” I say into the iPhone.
This is the customer - the one for whom I am finishing the release.
Peter, how are things going? he asks. - Can you make it by Monday?
- Oleg Viktorovich! I happily exclaim.
- I can't hear you well - let's call you back.
“No need,” I answer, realizing that calling back won’t help. - The house is being renovated, I can't hear myself very well.
The blows on the door continue, the walls are shaking, the chandelier is swinging.
I ask how things are going? - the customer shouts into the phone.
“There are certain difficulties,” I shout back.
- Difficulties? yells a frustrated customer.
“No, no, nothing serious,” I reassure the good man. - Repair. Nothing serious, I can do it.
Discordant screams are heard, then shots. With one hand I put the iPhone to my ear, with the other hand I point the shotgun towards the door.
— Definitely a repair, not a shootout? the customer doubts, changing his tone from worried to compassionate. - Yandex did not seem to promise.
“The jackhammer turned on,” I lie.
In that case, good luck!
- I'll do everything, Oleg Viktorovich.
All-clear beeps, but I keep repeating on the machine:
“I will do everything, Oleg Viktorovich. I'll do everything".
Then I put my iPhone in my pocket, take a shotgun in both hands and prepare to die.
However, the shots stop. They report into the mouthpiece - in the same metallic voice, but with a touch of well-deserved triumph:
Thank you all, the counter-terrorist operation has been successfully completed. The criminals have been destroyed.
Did they break the door to the next apartment?
I jump to the window and peer through the gap between the curtains. Machine gunners wander away to the bus that has arrived, the tank turns around to leave.
I relax, return the chair to its original position and collapse into it exhausted.
– Thank you, Lord. And enlighten me. Enlighten me, Creator of Creators, Creator of Creators! Enlighten me.
I don't have time to kneel, but he will forgive. You need to call Marina back, warn her not to be afraid of the torn up lawn. She should be on her way soon.
I take my iPhone out of my pocket and find the number.
– Marin!
“Ah, it’s you, Petya,” Marinin’s voice is heard.
- Where are you?
- Coming home.
– Home? I ask in confusion.
- Listen, I got to you, and there are mask shows. Everything is closed and not allowed, just near your entrance. I couldn't get through, you were busy. What's happened?
- Counter-terrorist operation.
“I understand that,” Marina says sadly. - I stood a little, and then I went home, excuse me. Romantic mood down the drain.
“Okay,” I say, because there’s nothing else to say.
- Don't be upset.
“And you too, Marin. Until next time, probably. Release Monday, call Tuesday.
I'm off.
7.
There is absolutely no rush. Slowly I clear the table: the champagne is in the refrigerator, the tablecloth is in the chest of drawers, the glasses are in the sideboard. Dust from the ceiling attacked the glasses, but it was reluctant to wipe. Then wipe.
I sit down at the computer and try to work. In vain - the phone rings. Will they leave me today or not?
I pull out my iPhone and hold it at arm's length for a while. The number is unfamiliar. The mobile phone does not stop.
“Yes,” I say, unable to bear it.
- Dear Muscovite! - the bot is turned on. – In accordance with federal law 324-FZ, you have the right to free legal advice.
I press the end button, then extend my hand with the iPhone again. He calls immediately. Strange tonight, very strange...
- I'm listening.
“Hello,” a female voice says.
Accounting for courtesy. The person will answer - the conversation will start.
“Hello,” I answer obediently.
Alas, I am polite.
– Do you have 2 minutes to participate in the sociological survey?
- No.
I put my iPhone in my pocket. I can’t work, I don’t have any thoughts about the legacy code - I just sit with my head in my hands. I'm not at all surprised when I hear the doorbell ring. Something was supposed to happen today - it couldn't help but happen. Initially it was going to.
I put my hand on the shotgun on the table and slowly peer into the camera. Lord again? They told him to get out. Here is irrepressible!
- What do you want? I say wearily.
From the speakers comes:
“You asked to be saved, and I saved you. They also asked for understanding. I brought you enlightenment. Open the door, please.
- You are alone? I ask, not knowing why.
“I am triune, but it takes a long time to explain,” they answer behind the door. - Consider one.
- Anyway, I do not let strangers into the apartment.
- I am not human.
I am exhausted, depressed and embittered, but I have no strength left. I can no longer resist fate, which decided everything for me. And I'm breaking down
“Now I will open the door,” I say decisively into the microphone. - If you are not alone, Lord, then you will receive a lead mustard plaster in your nostril. If you make a sudden movement - the same thing. You enter with your hands up, palms facing me. If something seems suspicious to me, I shoot without hesitation. Do you understand, bitch?
“I understand,” comes the speaker.
- Then come in.
Source: habr.com